Tips for Parents:
Talking to your teens about relationships and sex
Talking to a teen about relationships and sex can be an overwhelming task for many parents. However, it may just be the most important things your talk to your teen about. The following are tips that will make the talk easier, and more effective, for both of you:
1. Don’t jump to conclusions. The fact that a teen asks about sex does not mean they are having, or even thinking about having, sex.
2. Many little talks. Sorry, but one “big” talk isn’t very effective. Instead, you’ll be more effective if you have at least a dozen little talks over time. Small bites are easier to swallow than big ones.
3. Where. Driving in the car is of the best places for awkward topics to come up. Because both of you are facing forward, there is little eye contact, so it’s less threatening. Many parents report that teens have a hard time talking face-to-face, and the car creates the perfect environment. Also, your teen is a ‘captive audience’ in the car, and they can’t easily walk away.
4. Be honest. If you’re embarrassed, or think you’ve waited too long to have ‘the talk,’ admit it. Your teen is probably embarrassed, and will be relieved to know you are too. You’ll be surprised how being honest will take the emotional charge out of the conversation. If your teen says, “I already know everything” you can reply with, “Well, maybe you can teach me a thing or two. In any event, I think it’s important we talk about this, even if we’re embarrassed.”
5. Be “ask-able.” Avoid preaching, lecturing or moralizing. This is tough for many parents. It’s important to share your views, hopes and fears about love, relationships and sex. However, your teen will hear more of what you are saying if you remain un-emotional.
6. Use teachable moments. A friend’s pregnancy, news article, or a TV show can help start a conversation.
7. Don’t judge. If a teen perceives that you are being judgmental, especially about another—such as with a ‘teachable moment,’—they will be less likely to come to you for advice, because they don’t want to be judged themselves. Instead of saying, “That girl is so cheap/loose/a slut,” consider: “It’s interesting, and a little sad, how low self-esteem can cause someone to make choices that hurt them in the long run.”
8. Don’t threaten. If you make threatening comments to your teen, even if you’re just joking, your teen may not see you as a safe resource to approach for advice. Don’t say, “If you come home pregnancy, I’ll kill you” or, “If you have sex before you’re married, I’ll disown you” or, “Whatever you do, don’t bring me any little surprises.”
9. Listen more than you talk. This is hard, but you’ll find that the less you say, the more they’ll talk.
10. Provide accurate information and resources. Admit when you don’t know the answer to a question. Research it together using the Internet or books.
11. Share your own stories. Be willing to share a little bit about your own mistakes as a teen, the consequences of those choices, and what you wish you had done differently. Many teens don’t want to confide in their parents because their parents appear to be “perfect”; knowing that you’ve made mistakes may give you some credibility with your teen. Share enough so that they know you actually understand their situation, but keep in mind that teens don’t need to know every detail. Also, be careful to not use your teen as a therapist to work out your unresolved issues.
12. Acknowledge that your teen may feel more comfortable talking with someone other than you. Then, brainstorm together who would be another adult they can go to; aunt, uncle, older sibling, adult friend, neighbor, etc.
13. Encourage communication by reassuring your teens that they can talk to you about anything. Then, actually be willing to talk about anything.